monobeartheater:

verylittlebird:

a magician asks you to pick a card - any card, in fact. you do. they ask you to put the card back in the pack - anywhere in the pack, in fact. you do. they walk away. ten years later, your wife gives birth to the six of clubs. “is this your card?” the midwife asks, in a familiar voice.

what the fuck

mintiscream: What's your career goal after college?

50starsand13bars:

dan-mcneely:

slappin together a work playlist like

image

sezja:

gotothemattresses:

thefrogman:

In Soviet Russia, kitten adopts YOU.

You can’t possibly say no to that.

"I HAVE SELECTED MY HUMAN. WE CAN NOW LEAVE THIS PLACE.  HUMAN.  SIGN THE REQUIRED PAPERWORK."

officialannakendrick:

could you please put your crying kid on vibrate

hybridthry:

wearing all black today to mourn the death of my motivation

luxwing:

The new Avengers movie looks great
teacher: i’m gonna-
me: mAke iT bENd AnD bREaK, saY A pRAyEr And leT tHE goOD TiMEs roLL [SLOWLY RISE OUT OF SEAT], in cASe God DOesn’t shOW [JUMPS ONTO CHAIR] aND i WaNt thESe WORds tO mAke tHiNGs RIght BUt iT’s tHe WroNGs That mAke thE wORds cOme To LiFe [THROWS DESK ACROSS THE ROOM] “WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?” If tHaT’s thE WOrst yoU Got bETter pUt YOur FinGErs BAck tO thE kEYs [DROP KICKS TEACHER] oNe niGHt anD oNe MorE tImE [BUSTS DOWN DOOR TO ANOTHER CLASS] tHAnkS fOr thE mEMoriEs evEN tHOugH tHEy WERen’t sO GReat [UPPERCUTS A PLAY DOUGH CAN] “He TaSTes liKE yOu oNLy sWEetEr.”

back-that-sass-up:

spyduck:

rupindah:

i’m all for boys wearing makeup mostly because if more of them got into it there’d be a bigger market and it wouldn’t cost $25 for an eyeshadow primer anymore

i can’t wait to go into the makeup aisle to get the latest man-color of guyshadow that comes in containers shaped like bullets and footballs

"Bruh I just went to sephora and got the sickest shade of eyeshadow"
"Sick dude what’s it called"
"Monster truck gas fumes"
"Niiiiiiiice"

credit